Then comes the babies in the baby carriage. Along with a whole bunch diapers, sleepless nights, and toddlerhood. Ha!
Okay, more seriously, though, my marriage has been on my mind a LOT these days. I LOVE being married. I LOVE being married to my husband Andrew. Though it’s all love lovely love, marriage is soooo hard. Sometimes life gets so annoying or boring that feel like I don’t even like my husband. Yup. Honest truth. Really, with young kidlets interrupting virtually every aspect of life including the marriage it is incredibly hard (and at times impossible) to put Andrew on “the list”. By the time he gets home in the evening, even if the kids and I have had a wonderful day, I am pooped. And usually we still have a whole evening’s worth of activities to get through before bedtime.
OR sometimes the day has been so kid-centric that I am craving the attention of another adult. I just want to talk Andrew’s ear off and tell him every little detail (be it good or bad) about the day with an emphasis of how I felt and/or how I was affected. So I have to admit that Andrew gets the shaft a lot. I sometimes forget that Andrew is my partner in life and instead treat him as another “to do” (literally and figuratively speaking) on “my list” of things that need attention.
This week at MOPS, our guest speaker, Leslie Hanscom, had the BEST reminders, insights, encouragement and support regarding marriage in general. You can read the recap here. One of her first few sentences in the talk was “kids are one of the most stressful things that can happen in a marriage.” Right off the bat I knew she KNEW. Here were the gold nuggets for me.
1) Love is not a feeling but a verb. A choice demonstrated in action. Feelings follow actions. Leslie posed a challenge to do one act of love each week for our spouse. I am not always going to feel lovey dovey toward Andrew and therefore may not act loving toward him. That can lead to a vicious negative cycle. So if I want to feel love and recieve love from Andrew, I’m going to need to take some action.
2) Andrew cannot read my mind. On an intellectual level, I know that. However, I often find that we get into disagreements where I want him to say or do something specific. Then I get pissed when he doesn’t say or do it. That’s on me. Not Andrew. Such a great reminder!
3) Andrew and I have to be intentional about spending time together (including making time for S-E-X). We do okay with date nights, but it could be better. We get a good date in every couple of months. Intimacy-wise, well, I don’t think I am alone when I say “I just don’t feel like it.” I don’t know what it is about kids globbing on to me all day, demanding my attention all day every day, and tending to laundry, dishes, cooking, and errand running that just depletes my libido to negative levels. *sigh* I digress. Those are not excuses for ignoring the primal needs of sexual satiation.
4) Marriage comes first. As I mentioned, the kids interrupt every aspect of life….everything from a simple phone call to serious one-on-one discussions to lazy Sunday mornings, to *sigh* intentional intimate rendezvous. So it’s easy for the needs of the kids to precede the needs of the marriage. It just happens. But I can see that we can’t let that happen because a strong marriage leads to stronger and healthier parenting which leads to stronger and healthier kids.
I know much of this post seems a little vague, but when it comes to my marriage some things are better left private. You know? However, I will leave you with this. I appreciate Andrew. Leslie had us write down five things we admire about our spouse or that we admired when we first met. Because I am an overachiever I have six….
- Family oriented —nothing more important to this man than his family. Not just me and the kids, but his parents and his brother and his grandparents and every member in between.
- Supportive–If I wanted to take up underwater basket-weaving, though concerned, Andrew would support it. Really, whatever it is I feel strongly about regarding anything, faith, family, life-goals, kids, etc. Andrew listens, respectfully gives his opinion (even if it differs from mine), and ultimately lets me decide what I need to be happy.
- Helpful–Ladies, the dude takes out the trash…without me asking. He cleans the litter box….without me asking. He takes the laundry down, asks me if he can help in the kitchen, does the grocery shopping, and gives me breaks (whether I ask for them or not).
- Planner–He plans ahead. From a simple schedule to our financial future, Andrew plans. I love it because I am a planner too! Planning provides a sense of security and solution.
- Laid Back– As Andrew describes himself, he’s like a duck. He let’s things slide off his tail feathers. Though he’s a planner he doesn’t stress when things don’t go according to plan. He’s relaxed, flexible and easy going. Unlike me. I tend to be more uptight and anxious when things don’t go according to plan.
- Cute– What more is there say than that. He’s a handsome guy!
